PIERRE, S.D. — Orthodontist Gerald Fixit was sleeping soundly when he was abruptly awakened by a rumbling.
“My house started to shake,” said Fixit. “There were intense, bright lights shining into my window, blinding me. Suddenly one of those lights surrounded me and I was lifted into the air. That’s when I passed out.”
Fixit awoke and found himself strapped to a metal table, with strange creatures hunched over him, examining his body. “They were some kind of aliens, poking and prodding me with instruments stranger than the ones I use,” Fixit said. “I was terrified.”
As Fixit stared at the aliens, he noticed that they had the most appalling teeth he’d ever seen. “I couldn’t help it,” he said. “My professional training took over. Each tooth faced in a different direction. Despite the circumstances, all I could think about was fixing those teeth.”
Before the aliens began probing in earnest, Fixit offered to work on their teeth in exchange for his freedom. “They seemed confused,” said Fixit. “They started to examine their teeth in a mirror. Apparently, they gave little thought to oral aesthetics. I showed them my teeth as an example of how much better they could look.
“They chattered among themselves. When they were finished, one of them agreed to allow me to work on his teeth.
“The aliens — who I discovered were called the Bri’itosh — were able to synthesize the materials and tools I needed,” said Fixit. “I’ll have to admit, I was intimidated. Bri’itosh teeth are three times larger than human teeth and made out of some type of metal. Adjusting their position would be difficult. But the principles were the same as on earth. It took 50-gauge wire to realign them, but I was successful.”
Fixit put braces on the teeth of all the aliens. Rather than allowing him to leave, however, the Bri’itosh asked him to come with them and set up practice on their home world. “I was tempted,” said Fixit. “I would be quite successful as the only orthodontist on their planet. But I couldn’t leave my friends and family behind. Besides, they were going to pay me in coins made of jellyfish.”
The aliens were angry with Fixit’s refusal until he reminded them that as the only Bri’itosh with perfect teeth, they would be the most attractive males on their planet. “Women look at two things. Hair and teeth,” said Fixit. “The latter is taken care of. And since the aliens were bald, these guys had it made.”